"New Cocaine" -- Addictive After All?May 4438
The supposedly non-addictive cocaine-alternative marketed as Enercaine may not keep its promise after all. While doctors were cautious to accept claims of a non-addictive "New Cocaine" Enercaine producer Kappi Corporation touted the new substance as a kind of cure-all for Depression, Anxiety, Fatigue, and a host of other ailments. Their high-profile campaign emphasized Enercaine's non-addictive nature despite early criticism that their claim was insufficiently backed by studies. While Kappi Corporation introduced a series of energy drinks containing Enercaine critics pointed to mounting evidence that Enercaine may be addictive after all. Kappi Corporation CEO Sigbert Tobiasson has agreed to answer our questions.
Kappi Corporation CEO Sigbert TobiassonTelamon Morning PostEnercaine is a massive success. But now there seems to be mounting evidence that it may be addictive after all.
Sigbert TobiassonNonsense, nonsense! Enercaine is perfectly safe. Here take some.
TMSNo, thank you. Doctors have been cautious from the start, now they report cases of serious Enercaine addiction.
STDon't listen to them, millions of people are taking Enercaine and have no problems. No problems at all. Here take some.
TMSReally, no, thank you. So you're saying that Enercaine is definitely not addictive?
STOf course it isn't! I've been taking it ever since it came out and I feel better than ever. Here take some, it's the good stuff.
TSMNo thank you! There are several studies that have found Enercaine to be addictive.
STYeah, I don't read that stuff. Why would I? If their results are good, that's fine, but what if they're bad? I need to be able to say that Enercaine is not addictive. It's called plausible deniability. Here take some, it's the best.
TSMErm, are you saying that you deliberately ignore evidence that Enercaine is addictive?
STYeah, we had that big study in the works to show that Enercaine is not addictive. Turns out, people can't stop taking the stuff. We had to shut that shit down. Here take some, it's good shit.
TSMWait, are you admitting to hiding evidence of Enercaine's addictiveness?
STHell no. We shut that shit down. There's no results. Plausible deniability, you know? Here take some.
Press Release of Kappi CorporationOur CEO Sigbert Tobiasson has stepped down after a mental breakdown during an interview. Leading a major corporation like Kappi is a very stressful job and Tobiasson has decided to step down to spend more time with his family. Unfortunately the Telamon Morning Post has published a transcript of the interview despite the fact that Tobiasson was clearly unwell. The Kappi Corporation and Tobiasson emphasize that his statements during the interview were the result of his unwell mental state. The Telamon Morning Post's decision to publish the statements of a sick man shows a tremendous lack of journalistic integrity and employees of Kappi Corporation will no longer be available for interviews in such an unethical publication.
