Télégramme de ParmentierPremière Édition/First EditionWelcome my fellow Euphitrien brother/sister, welcome to the first unofficial, off-the-grid publication of the Télégramme de Parmentier (Telegram of Parmentier). I am your editor-in-chief, lead writer, head journalist, and intern of the month Gaston Parmentier. This shall be the first of many writings by this Euphitrien patriot and protector of the realm, Gaston Parmentier (that's me). Now, I know that by the mere notion of you reading this that tells me one of two thing. You are either:
A. An educated, wise Euphitrien man/woman who longs for the days where we take control of the land once again and claim our rightful place on top of Saridan.or
B. Literally anyone else.If you are in the A column, then you have a lot of questions about what this is, what is happening all around you, and how that directly affects you. But also, you will learn those answers as well as what you can do with this golden, God-given chance that has been... well,
given to us. In which, at that point, is where the great Gaston Parmentier comes in.
If you are in the B column though, I nicely ask you or put down this telegram/close the tab you are reading this on and
get out of my metaphorical sight you inferior individual.Now, for the first edition, I shall talk about and explain the three major things you need to know about what's going on in Saridan, how it affects you, and what you need to do.
Part I: Wots... uh the deal (with government)As you may have noticed, our country has kind of, sort of... not been a country for a while. By that, I mean that our government has been empty of government officials for a while. Sure, we have a Staatspresident doing what he does best, which I won't go into specifics of what that meant seeing as unlike our government,
recent arrests in the Saridani Journal showed that our military police is still very much real. Anyways, he's still in power but there isn't anything under him politically speaking. Since the Great Microwave Incident, we haven't had a legislative branch in years and the nationalists have no members in the Volksraad, as well as every other party. In fact, the Alt-Right Alliance (who takes up the whole cabinet) has been ctrl-alt-deleted from the political scene altogether. Surely, Staatspresident van Janker's hands are completely clean from this and are their natural blood red color. Now, what does this mean? Why, it means that every seat is up for grabs! And with no real incumbents, anything is possible... in theory. Of course, make sure to look over your shoulder when you go to the polls. As for what you can do, that leads to the next part of this first edition of the Télégramme de Parmentier.
Part II: Parties (Five Different Ones)As of right now, there are 5 possible parties you can vote for that's organized and may actually do something if elected. This is important because this is the best chance to legally overthrow You-Know-Who and if You-Know-Who tries to overstay You-Know-Which-Gender's welcome then naturally those arrogant, democratic fucks will come in and do us a favor for once before we kick them out of our land along with You-Know-Who-I-Am-Implying. so, with this one shot in mind, let's shoot for the stars with a party that'll rightfully deserve to rule the realm!
...but first I should explain why the other 4 options are terrible choices and why if you choose them, you'll be shooting yourself in the foot along with your rich heritage.
Die Gelowiges in Die HereThese bearded pinkos go by The Believer's of the Lord. Don't let the name fool you, these people are filthy heathens. These people are self-proclaimed Tasselists but if these guys are Tasselist than I am van Janker himself. These weird nutjobs were the arrested individuals I mention before and they entered the end of their days by publishing
this propagandist pile of wasted ink labeled an "Educational Pamphlet". Unlike this piece fine work of literacy, this is prime cut compared to the Believers dollar store ground beef. Obviously. Back on topic, these fanatics shouldn't be let 100 yards to any political power like they were the 'nice guy' to our foxy homeland and no subversion of the holy book shall delude me, or you otherwise. Now, all that being said, these are likely the least troublesome group in the running, so congrats to that you likely illiterate farmers!
Monargist Faksie van SeridjanAs the old saying goes, "Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the..." I won't finish the rest due to its heretical nature, but you get the overall point without needing some ending. Kings are the enemy of free men, and as such we must keep a watchful eye for Wilhelmus Vandale as he has proclaimed himself to be the voice of the monarchy and has had paid enough bar tabs to have a number of people actually listen and follow him. This goes without saying, but a monarch is merely a dictator by rite of tradition rather than brute force and we had enough of the latter from You-Get-The-Point as is. Out of all the options here, they're lucky to be on the podium due to the next two.
Rode Thalleristische BewegingOne word. Thallerism. Next.
Nasionale Sosialistiese WerkersfaksieLast and most certainly not least, the prodigal party has returned to attempt to take majority again, and with it total control of the nation. The less said about the Nationalists, the better the chances for a second edition of Télégramme de Parmentier. But what must be said is that this is the weakest the party as a whole has been. There's blood in the water my Euphitriens, and we are going to be the sharks that finish the job. How? Why my fellow people, through this party we will finish the job.
Part III: Scream Thy Last Scream (you nationalist scumfucks)Le Parti Euphitriens des Tasselistes is a Euphitrien-centric political party founded by Stanislas Longchambon for a singular mission: to make them give it back. For centuries, this was Euphitrien land by and for Euphitriens, then through foreign intervention throughout the past 3000 or so years, we have been pushed to the brink culturally and ethnically. Now, now precious land has been decayed by the cancer plague known as Duntrekkers. They just, rolled their way on over here and suddenly everything belonged to them. The land, the crops, the women, anything we had? Everything that was ours? Actually no, it's Duntrekkerian. It has always been their land, it says so in their revisionist trite they put in textbooks in their schools to bury their skeletons as their closets are a bit too full nowadays. This is our chance to change that, to take back what are ours. To take back our nation and our land from these Dundorfian wannabe thieves. To take it back from these nationalist bastards led by You-Know-I'm-Talking-About-Lodewijk-van-Janker, YEAH I SAID HIS NAME THIS TIME AND IF HE HEARS ABOUT THIS MESSAGE THAN THAT'S A DAMN SHAME FOR HIM.
We will not be held down anymore, we won't be minorities in our homeland no longer. We are Euphitriens, we are a proud and mighty people, and when we as a people wake up from this belief of the opposite, of the status quo that we are just a 'genetic remnant of the past'... when that happens, we will be unstoppable and we will force these oppressors to give it back. And you can join me and Mr. Longchambon in this awakening. All you have to do is be proud of who you are, and show that pride in the polls. Take back your dignity, and take the government with you while you're at it.
And with that, this is the end of the first edition of Télégramme de Parmentier. I might shorten this to 'TP' on later editions, who knows. Until then, this is Gaston Parmentier and it's time for us to wake up.
Signed,Gaston Parmentier, Editor-in-Chief of the Telegram of Parmentier (among other things)