Respectable People "Slightly Concerned" About "the State of Things These Days"
Edward Berbrige Tuffington, a pillar of his community and noted tax auditor, has expressed "distaste of a kind" about "the mannerisms of some of the people you see around the place these days."
Whilst conceding it "takes all kinds", many upright and hard working people are admitting to being rather miffed by the ""quaint customs" of the "you-know-who". Indeed, many are even expressing strong opinions of the type sensible Dolgarians™ are usually loathed to give voice too. "We may not be the most exciting nation" said one fine lady at a dinner party I was attending "but that doesn't mean we should just let our culture be... you know... diluted." Another person of quality I met told me "I'm not saying they are all thieves and murderers, no can accuse me of bigoted opinions, I just happen to have produced scientific evidence that a plurality of them are.."
As a journalist for this lauded publication of note, for most of my career I have reported on Royal Weddings and errrrm, Royal Weddings, but in recent years I myself have noted an upsurge in rather peculiar goings on related to these Manoush chaps. While I welcome the opportunity to write about this obviously charming and business friendly culture, I can't help thinking we'd appreciate their contributions more if there less of them. Less of them I mean, not their contributions. After all, isn't it reasonable to assume that they must have a homeland somewhere? I know young Wilfred who makes my Coffee has told me they don't, but I'm sure with proper education they can locate one. Besides, it not exactly our fault if they don't....
Anyway, dear Readers, what I'm saying is we need to have a serious conversation about this Manoush business. They may have plenty of money and rather.... "lively" music, but if we let them in surely others will follow. Gao-Showans, Badarans and the like will swarm here.. like... like... like a plague of subhuman swine threatening everything we hold dear! (A little strongly worded perhaps? Ed.) That is to say more exactly, causing perhaps undesirable side effects on the body politic. Thus, many are turning to a party of common sense, the Respected Neighbourhood and Family Party, which seeks to place rational restrictions on the bodily and monetary transactions carried out within Dolgaria™. We hope that our readers will take seriously the potential of the situation and crush the uppity buggers... I mean, vote for a responsible party of law and order.
Respected Neighbourhood and Family Party Propose Rational Compromises
A country gentlemen prepares for life in the new permissive society. People of quality everywhere are being advised to seek more active ways of making people mind their own business.
Ladies and Gentlemen, It is time to accept reality. It is no longer tenable for us to fund the education or ensure the security of our working class countrymen. Thus, in order to preserve the cultural purity of our fine country, we must look to our own. With no central government to provide our sons and daughters with a stable education, we are proposing a deal with the new Manoush government that will allow people of quality to establish Autonomous Neighbourhoods with complete control over education, housing and internal immigration. Our Autonomous Neighbourhoods will be beacons of decent and civilised behaviour within a society that has taken some rather rash decisions about future demographics. Welfare is a thing of the past, society at large is a thing of the past. There are now only individuals and their families, and has individuals we must take action to ensure the surivial of our privileges.... sorry, I meant, "heritage".
In the new laws we in the Respected Neighbourhood and Family Party are putting before the government, we will be able to use our financial resources to create militarily and economically independent communities within the Duty-Free Anocracy, from which we will be able to remove undesirable elements. Gated communities are being set up all over the country already, all that we need now are the guns and legal clout to make them truly secure. These laws will naturally enable other ethnic and cultural groups to establish similar enclaves, and while this may be of distaste to our more Conservative supporters, we believe that this is a necessary concession if we are to avoid being totally swamped! (That's enough of that language. Ed) Our nation is already home to many groups we once read about only in the papers. Istalian Mafioso who refuse to learn the language, Queranzarist radicals, Gao-Showan takeaways, even Felinists from Barmenia and Queers from Kalopia. If we don't take care of ourselves and simply wait for some government to come along and remove them, we won't survive long enough. Our daughters will already be cavorting naked with drug addled atheist Majatran asylum seekers by the time any authoritarian regime will be possible. No, we must act, and we must act within reasonable boundaries to maintain our social norms in a country in which there is no such thing as society.
Elsewhere in the Paper Does Diversity Give You Cancer? Page 12, A Manoush Bike Stealer Plauge?! Page 102, "I like Stamps", An Interview with an Exciting Young Man, Page 3, Check out the Tits on That Pleb's Daughter, Page 2
You Stay On Your Side - I'll Sell You Things On Mine
Respectable Citizens Notice Manoush Camps Built Upon Nations Crops - "Beginning To Get A Smudge Peckish 'Round 'Ere It Is"
A Warm Day Without Refunds to You, Dear Foreign Viewer! Dolgava is a nation flushing of excitement and wonder! Only but recently, native Dolgarans noticed much of their food stuffings and corns did not fair well against the Manoush lifestyle. Pumpkins and cabbages have been reported to be "destroyed by wagon wheels, stolen, or eaten right there in the garden I can see you with my own eyes damnit get out of here." Some within the higher clans have begun to pontificate about the needing for cultural explanation and smoothings between the newly organized Dolgaran peoples and their Respectable Lot and our Manoush tribesmen. In lieuation of this, several clans have taken to arms smiting and bulldozer sales, making enormous pregnant profits. The Violet Vulture clan reports record gold havings, following its sale of a dozen Backing-Ho's to angry, newly autonomous cranky Dolgaran peoples who have faces as if they are masturbating with sandpaper.
Remove Unwanted Filth From Your Community With Doosan Clan brand Caravan-Crushers™!
But this barriers of languages is not having a problem when it comes to the tounge of moneys. Everyone speaks from their fanny-pack, and this truism has allowed Manoush Tribes to profit 23% more moneys from the year previous. Rumblings within some weaker clans' camps of "disparity in Dolgava" were replaced by The Profitable Peacock Clan's Hedonisoporioum, a four-story mini-mall-buffet-bar and sexual massage spa. "Respectable Citizens" recoil their tiny peepees before the omnipressive awesoma-power of Our Fertility, Our Profitability, and Our Diversification of Stock Options.
Visit the Hedonisoporioum today! Reserve a room by December 3418, and your flight will land safely!
Faster-Than-Light People's Space Party has been bringing much of the confusions to our minds, yet their necessity for bubble-shaped helmets and rocket fuel has motivated the infamous Lil' Tiki-Torch Clan to scrounge the decrepit ruins of the Dolgavan space program. The Clan, possessing no peoples having more than twelve years, is known for its curious rituals and incredulous premiership in pick-pocketing tourists. This marks the rise of the second active political clan within Dolgava, and the Respectable Cranky Men cannot be happy about such becomings.
With recent Auntonomatiation laws passing within the Saemia, the already broken Confedecary of Tribes has been splintified into several more Confederacy-Confederacys. It is well knowns that the crossing of the highway out of Enkure has 78 toll-points, 13 of which come with optional Life-Insurance Tax. Mumblings that an Anocracy is not the premiere form of government have impregnated the ears of Chief Matriarch Ieva Miervaldis, well known for her alteration of the Monarchist Dynasty Inheritance Law, to read "In The Making of The Law Regarding Head of State: Dolgava does not have a formal head of state. Ieva Miervaldis"
Head Matriarch of the Powerful Violet Vulture Clan, Lamp-Bearer of Clans & Holder of The Tax Sack, has called forth a meeting of the clans to be discussing recent Respectable Autonomization.Miervaldis was having been quoted as having had the following words spew from her hole, "It is GOOD that we have come to agreement on military matters with the native Dolgarans. NO MILITARY is the best military, and their recent construction of fortresses, underground incest societies and Doom-Domes means all the more profits for us. But paranoia is only profitable when it's predictable, in order to preserve this free market, we must talk. EVERYONE MEET TUESDAY, NOONISH."
What you aspire to as revolutionaries is a new master. You will get one.- Jacques Lacan
Three Cheers for the National Committee for Industry™! Three Cheers for free Dolgava™!
Dear readers, We at the Nightly Post are pleased to welcome our new editor and our new management. Our great paper is now a part of the great alliance of businesses and corporations who wish to see Dolgava™ become a stable and powerful outpost of capitalism. The chaos of the Cohosi will be replaced by stability under the leadership of the National Committee for Industry™, who will ensure that order is restored whilst at the same time maximising profit. No more will trespassing, theft and violence be a everyday occurance. The Mannoush will be put to useful work for our own benefit, and their disproportionate influenced balanced out by the selective importation of more subservient cultural groups as a labour force. Nomadism will be pushed to the sidelines by the development of strong urban centres, with their own militaries, social polices and internal immigration controls. The Anocracy will become orderly, and respectable people everywhere will be able to make a good living here.
Now, without further ado, we bring you this message from our sponsors.
In the recent years, it has become apparent that this nation requires leadership.
The Cohosi takeover represents an ultimate opportunity for all those around the earth who believe in the success of the capitalist experiment. However, in order for this experiment in unrestrained free-market capitalism to succeed a element of control must be introduced. We, the undersigned corporations, social philanthropists and entrepreneurs have made arrangements with domestic political forces within Dolgava™ for form a natural party of government. We have negotiated a merger of various political parties within Dolgava™ who have agreed to support our vision in return for our monetary aid and military support in any coming conflict with those who would see the free-market experiment here halted. The following political organisations are now part of our coalition:
The Respected Neighbourhood and Family Party The Gao-Showan Mutual Assistance League The National Rifle Assoication The Industrialists Compact The Union for the Prosperity Gospel The Dolgarian Libertarian Party Internationalists for Capitalism
The National Committee for Industry™ is financed and directed by a alliance of corporations and businessmen, most of whom wish to remain anonymous.
"Former Monarchy Becomes A Pirate's Den of International Law Violations" -Official IML Report on Dolgava, The Fall of Queen Anna & The Revenge of The Manoush- Pictured: The main highway to the Dolgavan capital city of Enkure
Righto Lads, Listen Up. The International Monarchist League has fallen into stagnation and waste as of late. We've seen dutiful dynasties, our King's kinsmen, and our autocratic allies fall to roustabouts and rabble throughout Terra. Communists in Baltusia! Valruzia overthrown by Brotherhood scum! And, worst yet, the beloved nation of Dolgava has fallen prey to the hairy, clubbed fingers of those Cohosi thieves. These are worrisome times for we powerful and wise, chaps. If we wish to remain rightfully powerful, we must learn about this enemy and see if we can't befriend these vile turnip-smelling creatures before they call for our own thrones to be auctioned off to some peasant nation!
Upon first landing in Dolgava, my droogs and I remarked upon the surreal culture of the the terminal of Teikas Virsaitis Airport™. Several dozen heavily armored Caravans encircle the nations lone airstrip, profiting heavily from the wave of foreign visitors while, in turn, maintaining order and stability within this small pocket of the Duty-Free Anocracy™.Terminal Junction has grown over the past decade, having now become the 2nd largest city in Dolgava and the most profitable for the ruling Manoush tribes. It's been claimed that Dolgava follows no international treaties, and a quick stroll around Terminal Junction proves it. Handguns, assault rifles, and illegal fireworks and narcotics are sold openly, without license or age-restriction. The so-called "Duty Free Anocracy" carelessly violates the sovereignty of other nations, operating counterfeit "Currency Exchange Carts" that allow foreigners to exchange their nations' legal tender for twice the amount of LOD, undermining monetary stability throughout Terra.
Teachers Who Don't Pay Attention To National Sovereignty reports that repeated showing of this Dolgavan Corporate Video has replaced the former K-8 education curriculum
Many of you will recall, prior to this cart rabble taking over, Dolgava was a Constitutional Monarchy, ruled by moderate Socialists who all took a vow of silence. A peaceful nation, Dolgava was famous throughout Terra for her International Box Factory, her Dry & Flavorless Cereal Mill, and for being home to The World's Largest Pile of Dust. Now, the nation has befallen to entropy, to cacophony, to NOISE. Any who wish to sleep at a sensible hour are shunned, as the highways seem eternally filled with boisterous bands of bagpipes, bass drums, banjos and Bağlama. Travel along these highways, expansive crumbling asphalt relics of the Socialist Monarchy-era, is both expensive as dangerous. It is difficult to discern between a highwayman's extortion and a tribal toll - any who wish to move between cities are suggested to hire a Manoush Taxi Cart and possess no less than four handguns.
Dolgava, Prior To The March 3420 Manoush Corporate Buyout. NCI™ in Grey, Faster-Than-Light People's Space Party in Blue, Manoush in Mauve.
The island of Karzon is not a suggested place of visitation for tourists, being the last hold-out of the hermetic "Respected Neighbourhood and Family" Autonomous Collectives, native Dolgavans who saw their homes and careers purchased by these befouled Manoush Tribes. In response, and without the opposition of a formal government, many corporate holdings of the Manoush have taken to dumping their industrial waste upon the shores of Karzon, or simply loading it onto a raft and "pushing it towards Telamon." As such, Dolgava has seen its entire fishing stocks destroyed, and neighboring states Kizenia and Egelion report rapidly rising rates of radioactivity and pollution on their shores.
Lawlessness and disorder seems the natural terrain for these Cohosi rats, and since the fall of the Queen these nomadic anarchists have become incredibly wealthy through the exploitation of their own economic destruction. Food, housing, health care, and electricity, all once provided by the Monarchy-Socialist Government, are now the responsibility of several powerful corporations, which are themselves owned by a single MegaCorporation - The Tribes of Manoush™. Owning 98% of all property in the nation, The Tribes of Manoush™ was formed in 3420 after the ruling Violet Vulture Clan purchased both FASTER-THAN-LIGHT AEROSPACE CORP™ and NATIONAL COMMITTEE FOR INDUSTRY™, effectively ending all political opposition in the nation. Former backer of the NCI, Eduards Jāzeps of the The Dolgarian Libertarian Party, has lamented over the failure of the "great capitalist experiment" in Dolgava.
"We once believed that if we just let anyone invest freely and put everything up for sale, you'd have endless growth and opportunity, because the market would stabilize. We never thought this would lead to a powerful entity investing in the market itself...as the Manoush have done. They purchased the banks, they devalued competitors, they monopolized power and paid off those who would challenge them. Do not be fooled, Dolgava is no longer an Anocracy, it is an Oligarchy." - Eduards Jāzeps
An Inside Look Into The New Manoush Oligarchs of Dolgava - The Violet Vulture Clan
What you aspire to as revolutionaries is a new master. You will get one.- Jacques Lacan
Tribes of Manoush® Celebrate The Embarkment of S.S. William A. Hugenot™ Largest Cruise Ship In Terra Departs For International Waters
ON THIS DAY The Tribes of Manoush®, as operating through Kafuri Dog Gambling Tours Ltd., embarks upon its 6-month cruise around Terra! Taking only 2 years to finish construction and outline the Corporate Charter for standards upon the vessel, the S.S. Hugenot plans to travel the full expanse of Terra, visiting each nations' sovereign borders and welcoming new passengers for pleasure and profit along the way.
THE SHIP A recently redesigned Destroyer class, with the plush living of an Aircraft Carrier and the cozy atmosphere of a Patrol boat, now for you and your mistress to drink upon! Or wife, if things have no gone well. Have spawn? Bring them to our Children's Gaming Pit, fully stocked with the latest in DPI (Direct Packet Insertion) Connectivity, allowing them to overload their senses in multiplayer! Have to live with the olds? Bring your elderly to our Tanning Dome, while you guess big number on Rouletting Wheel! Big Money Possible!
SPEND YOUR DAYS Celebrating your brief, miserable life of hedonistic excess with "authentic" Gaduridos Rum and waste your sleepless nights at the Blackjack tables!* Tribes of Manoush® are happy to accommodate you, no matter your financial value of existence, and loans are available for nominal charges. Even Malavian Blood Miners may enjoy the fruits and luxury aboard the Hugenot, and for those wealthier Luthori and Corubian visitors, we have excluse V.I.P Pleasure Pods available from $500 million and upwards!
SO COME Enjoy the festivities of fun and freedom aboard the S.S. Hugenot!™ In International Waters, at all times!™
*Guests are reminded that embarkment of the ship requires the signage of the ToM® Funtime Contract All Rights Reserved. International Waters does not apply to the Kitchen, Laundry, or Boiler room, as these are defined as sovereign nations ruled by ManoushCorp™ , a subsidiary of ToM®. Get back to work, you shouldn't have gambled so much. May cause irritation of the mucous membranes, at participating locations.
What you aspire to as revolutionaries is a new master. You will get one.- Jacques Lacan
"Shove 'Er Away From The Beach" Found Not To Be Best Plan For All Tribes offer to clean uptight Hosian lands for "nominal fees and labor"
Lamplight Brewing Caravans™ is suing the owners of this Hulstrian beach for theft of their trendy seagull necklaces.
Those citizens of redundantly named United Allied Imperial Monarchistic Crownlands of Hulstria and Gao-Soto have been shaking off much of their fists at the Manoush tribes as of lately. After several small Squibbelian Tonnes of "hazardous, radioactive, biologically unsafe, and diaper-filled refuse" (in the incorrectish wordings of Hultrian press) wound up on the expansive and already-quite-dirty beaches of the Crownloads over the past few months. Some of those in foreigners pressings have spit words such as "Dolgava's effective lack of a unitary body outside of the single Tribal Corporation has meant a complete lack of ecological policy beyond 'lowest cost disposal is best'"
Whatever that means! Are we in correction, dudes? Dolgava is superfriendly nation and, might me recall, far more full of riches and thus worth and intelligence than Crowndlands of King Whatsoever Being is His Name We Don't Care. Kings and Queens are belonging upon chess planks, as we all Tribesman are knowing! Whatshavingmore, many of those in the Life Spores of this nation, the Corporations who gift us with Products, have commented upon this issue, saying "What, you want things to be expensive now? We are all knowing that the Goddess Force of Free Market, Lassiezpharina, shall fix it with her Omnipresent Fingers. It is like these foreigners have not read their Alan Smithings texts!
What you aspire to as revolutionaries is a new master. You will get one.- Jacques Lacan
(^Telamon is Swedish, right?) "Twentieth Tourist Terminated This Tuesday" Touts Tribune Dolgava has fully fallen to anarchy and pillage
This rag was hoisted above the now derelict Government Administration Center by unknown hooligans in 3420. Dolgava™ has no formal national flag.
THE MANOUSH Peoples carry with them, amidst their pots, pans, hookahs, and Dumbo Drums, a Manoush proverb, Dzīve ir lēts, ratiņi ir dārgi, "Life is cheap, carts are expensive." Appropriate for Dolgava™, the increasingly more dangerous territory formerly held under proper administration by Queen Anna Elizabeta Arinidi "The Quiet," has seen its government toppled, its military, police, and social services purged, and its national coffers emptied. The former Crownlands of Dolgava, once a renowned destination for Telmorian tourists to travel to, with its luke-warm beaches and home-brewed bathtub ale, has become a garish land of neon signs and heavy smoke. Gambling Get-Alongs, Opium Oxen-Carts, Brothel Buggies, all manner of sin and degradation await the hedonistic tribesman, the nihilistic native, and the perverse tourist alike, all in a state of constant movement.
YET THIS Nomadic sin demands speed, and cannot wait for tradition or justice, the yarns which bind we in civilization. Courts have been dismantled, with legal matters an issue of backwards clan traditions, confusing and small-print laden corporate charters, and most oft, simple brute force. The recently published Travelers Keymon to Terra has praised the "cheap...goods" and "boisterous nightlife" of the newly befallen Anocracy, while making much warning as to its dangers. 3339 saw Enkure, the capital city of Dolgava, rise to #1 on the CfL's List of "Cities With The Highest Chance to Get Totally Stabbed", as the former Socialist police force saw its funding completely cut.
Sir Blok Dumpton Taftly Von Kristaps, Duke of the Neo-Respected Neighbourhood and Family Party, has stated his opposition to "all this moving about and the decapitations," while wishing for nothing ill to come of his head.
IN RESPONSE To this "terrible P.R.", Tribes of Manoush , the incorporated entity of several large and intermarried Cohosi clans, hired much of the destitute police force back on as "Private Security Contractors," leasing out revolvers and uniforms in exchange for the signature of a non-liability contract with Manoush SecuriCorp™. Prisons have been deemed "barbaric" by these traveling tribesmen, and the punishment for cardinal crimes such as murder, theft, and rape is often simply dealt with via "Contractual Embindment," the indentured enslavement of the guilty party to the ruling Corporate entity. However, it is becoming quite common for "stringy, weak, or intellectual" criminals & debtors to simply be decapitated, in violation of no laws within the anocracy. This newspaper asks, when will a strong nation end this madness? How many of our own citizens need be enslaved on Cruise Ships simply for gambling a bit too much? Just because their Father didn't sent them money, he's a reporter at a newspaper, nobody reads newspapers, how could he know these Cohosi don't have a damn government! Won't the Kings do something?!
Brought To You By The Dolgava Toilet Mask Corporation™:
What you aspire to as revolutionaries is a new master. You will get one.- Jacques Lacan
Foreigners, Foreigners Everywhere: Dolgava Caught Up in the "Great Game" of the Imperial Powers Armed gunmen working for one or other of the Imperial powers patrol a undefended Dolgarian city.
October 3423, Dolgava - Dear reader, as you read your paper safe within your bunker, it's highly possible that your local airport or port town has been occupied by a foreign power. Due to the fact the Duty Free Anocracy maintains no military force of any kind, there has been little organised resistance to the appearance of warships flying the colours of foreign powers in our national waters and the disembarkment of foreign troops on our shores. Indeed, many find that not only are the troops slightly better looking than the tribal gangs who previously tramped about waving guns in peoples faces and shouting, they also have quite agreeable attitudes about money and how it should be handled. Already, these factions have begun to make themselves at home and are putting down roots politically. Already, the Royal Luthori North Sea Pirvateers have refurnished the Head Quaters of the old Respected Neighbourhood and Family Party and brought the rites to the National Committee for Industry from the Mannoush, proclaiming that they have IML approval to restore the old monarchy. Chancellor Zhao Qing, Commander of the Heavenly Minzhu Treasure Fleet, has already given a quite eloquent speech in perfect Dolgarian on the subject of ending poverty, which was well received by the crowds of civilians who had been brought before him at gunpoint. The Order of St. Parnum the Thunderer are reportedly coaxing the Bishop of Enkure out of his cave and have already started burning witchdoctors.
Now what are we Respected citizens to make of these developments? Well, I for one welcome the <Luthorians/Knights/Indralans/Pontesi>* and recognise the <IML's/Churches/Indralan Empires/Pirate Captains> cause is just. I believe that the virtues of <Colonialism/Hosianism/Jienfushism/Piracy> are what Dolgava needs, and that this is evident in the military prowess of the <Privateers/Knightly Orders/Imperial Soldiers/hearty seadogs>. We fully believe that the evil designs of the <Globalist Luthori Bankers/Child-abusing Papists/Gao-Showan Warmongers/Pontesian scum> must be stopped, and that all the last remnants of <Barbarity/Godlessness/Rebellion against the Emperor/Landlubbery> must be stamped out. Three cheers for <Lord Oswald Corsway/Abbot Metod/Chancellor Zhao Qing/Captain Hershelus Maximus>!
*Modify depending on your location.
Last edited by Captain-Socialist on Wed Jan 09, 2013 11:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
