FEATURE: Who IS Oleg Guttersnipe?
Socialist Unknown places name in nomination and winsKaliburg, Ananto
June 2, 4525Oleg Percival Guttersnipe, the new President of the Republic**ADVISORY: the President's speech will be transcribed phonetically because the few things the President said were often difficult for the reporter of this story to decipher.**
The politics of the Republic took a bizarre turn during the recent general election in many ways, as the electorate is contorted and stretched to the near breaking point. Control of District Governments in Neveras and Ananto flipped. The Government Coalition, (mainly the NLP) gained seats. And the population has narrowly elected, on the second ballot, an unknown 28 year old from Kaliburg who placed his name in the elections when no other Socialist candidate came forward. Due to stagnated Government from the Kennedy Administration, a combination of endorsements, and the arrival on the scenes of new Parties, Oleg Percival Guttersnipe won the Presidential election by a razor thin two-tenths of one percent. "This is an unmistakable MANDATE!" declared Guttersnipe in a mostly uncomprehensible, alcohol slurred victory speech. Guttersnipe is expected to have a rocky term, as the main body of the Institutionalist Bloc remains in rebellion, and does not hold a majority in the Assembly. But who is this man who became President?
Guttersnipe was born in a time of conflict. "We ain't add no schools, when wes is growin up," said Guttersnipe to reporters in a thick Vrassan accent. "Patriots basically privatized em and theys all closed, causay couldn't make no money off poor folks. So when yus asks wheres I went to school, I says the streets, inno!" Guttersnipe was raised in either Vrassa City, Senvias, or Python, depending on when the question was asked, but at any rate, it is almost certain that he is Vrassan. At some point in his teens, Guttersnipe moved to Ananto, where he took a job as a "street busker," playing guitar outside of grocery stores and at intersections for money. "Me only friend, 'Atdatoime' as me dog, inno," said Guttersnipe. "Sadly, dat dog up n got issef it by a car... Eeus free. Eeadd a bandana, a redn acorse."
While "busking", Guttersnipe decided to enroll in an alternative education program. "Wes boys went up and got into school, mostly cause its warm up there inna winter," where he learned to read. At this point, Guttersnipe became a voracious bibliophole. "I read the Bennarts Book, and us impressed," said Guttersnipe, who also joined the Socialist Party around his 17th Birthday. "First thing I ewer haxually read. Its like Ius catchin up, inno?" When he completed his High School equivalent at 19, he enrolled in Kaliburg Polytechnic, and due to local assistance programs, as well as a bit of entrepreneurship which might have involved operating a small gambling operation, or operating a pornography theater, Guttersnipe eventually had enough tuition to enroll and live during his time in Kaliburg University's Graduate School.
"Yeh, I'm quite proud. Just finershed the thesis," said Guttersnipe, who apparently wrote his masters' thesis on the symbiotic relationship between market economics and social welfare. "I mean, like, if its gonna be this, yous gotta give something to the poor, inno? Gotta take care of em, inno, sosay don't falls true the cracks and turn to crime. Cuse, I's been poor. And one thing I know, and my studies demonstrated, poverty multiples when you lets it, inno? Like poor people like really skrewin, its hows we stays warm at night livin under a bridge. And most poor people ain't too educated niever, sosay don't protects emsefs. So poor folks have poor kids. Yous gotta help them get out of that business."
Until being elected, Guttersnipe continued busking, but he no longer lives on the streets. "See: im rags to riches, right? I gots me a house. Real nice. Moving up in the world. So I guess no more skrewin for me under the bridge, right? Gotsa learn to talk right like all the 'hoitie toitie Libbies'... Oh look at me, Ims a rich boy!" He was talking about getting a monacle so he would fit in with the still PL/LDP dominated government, but he finished with a laugh. "At's pretty funny, eh? Maybe I'll just get anova dog, inno? Stupid rich bastards..."