[
The Kalistani Republic's] S[andra] J[ensen]: Premier Al-Khali, welcome to the
The Republic.
[Premier of the Republic] A[bdulaziz] A[l-Khali]: Alright.
SJ: Let's get right to the point. Recently,
in the Lourenne Quotidien, the Government of Lourenne says it has banned all drug use except cannabis. It has claimed that it will search Kalistani ships on the high seas, that it will turn all Kalistani aircraft back at their airports. It has basically locked down its country, in fear of Kalistani drug imports. All of this is because [ODEN-Kalistan Chief] Comrade Tass declared a price reduction for ODEN sales to Lourenne distributors. How does your Government respond?
AA: Well, see I'm glad you asked me. I mean: I knew this interview would be about that, but that's what you're supposed to say, right?
SJ: Yes.
AA: Well, I'm glad you asked me. We read a lot about Lourenne in the papers these days, but I suspect that their government doesn't quite understand what's going on in the Anantonese Ocean.
SJ: How do you mean.
AA: For example: Searching Kalistani ships is a violation of free trade, and Kalistan practices reciprocal trade. What they do to us, we do to them. It reminds me of the Ananto Strait crisis which happened when I was a younger man. Right? We stop ships, they get pissed off, we fire on ships that ignore our orders, they fire at us, and a war starts. Stopping ships on the high seas is a good way to start a war. I don't think the Lourenne Government remembers this. Though they should. The same old bastards that were so hot under the collar about Kalistan stopping commercial vessels are the ones who are now doing precisely the thing that they went to war over. And you know that if Kalistani ships are to be targets of their patrols, we will stop all ships flying Lourenne flags and search them for contraband, namely anything that Lourenne is carrying which we don't want to import. We will do to them precisely what they will do to us. And unlike last time, we have a navy now that will not hesitate to sink any vessel that defies our orders to stop. If Lourenne wants to lose its merchant marine beneath the waves of the Anantonese Ocean we are perfectly happy, and capable to oblige: All they have to do is keep ------- with Kalistani ships. Oops: I promised I wasn't going to cuss. Just bleep that out...
SJ: But what about drugs?
AA: What about them?
SJ: They are looking for illegal drug imports.
AA: Which drugs are illegal to import into Lourenne, today?
SJ: They say every drug but cannabis.
AA:
Read their law. The matter is still under consideration in their Legislature. They haven't banned anything, and that law won't pass until January. So people are still free to use whatever drugs they want for four more months. So they are stopping our real ships and rerouting our imaginary planes that we don't fly to them because their airline is boycotting our country, to search for contraband that is still legal in their country. Honestly, if that isn't the act of a petty dictatorship, I don't know what is.
SJ: How does Kalistan plan to combat drug smuggling from Kalistan when their law DOES go into effect?
AA: Well, that's not our problem.
SJ: How so, Comrade Premier?
AA: Kalistan does not smuggle drugs.
SJ: In the Lourenne Quotidien, the government very specifically accuses Kalistan of smuggling drugs.
AA: That's propaganda. Kalistan does not smuggle drugs. We sell drugs to drug smugglers, but those smugglers do the work. We do not carry contraband on any of our vessels. If you
re-read Comrade Tass' statement, you will note that the policy of ODEN, which, according to the treaty is an entity entirely separate from the Government of Kalistan, with the exception of our drug subsidies and their oversight of Kalistani Drug Policy, has merely chosen to lower prices on all drug sales specifically to Lourenne. But they buy the drugs here, where it is completely legal to do so. What they do with them after that is not our business. We are a member of the Organization of Drug EXPORTING nations. Lourenne, and every other non-ODEN nation, with the de facto exception of Selucia because they took the time to specify that in their negotiations with us under the old Trilateral Treaty, is a default member of the "Organization of Drug IMPORTING Nations." We are not in charge of Lourenne's drug policy, but Kalistan does not carry illegal materials into other countries. The people they are looking for are Lourenne smugglers, or whoever else does the smuggling. Those people merely buy the materials here, and we are not prejudiced with regard to who we sell to.
SJ: That seems to be splitting hairs, don't you agree.
AA: No, I do not agree. It's not our job to enforce another country's stupid and shortsighted policy. For decades now, the Lourenne paper has been smearing our country with lies and propaganda. We tried to be friendly with them, and they instead shoved destroyers down our throat, along with bogus claims that they are in control of the entire Anantonese Ocean. It is the typical nonsense of self-important tinpot dictators and brute imperialists. We don't recognize their authority over any aspect of Kalistani policy, but as a courtesy, we do not export contraband. That
is a Kalistani policy.
And while we're on the subject: It is kind of stupid that they AREN'T members of ODEN if they are so worried about drug smuggling from Kalistan.
In the Treaty, Article 5 of the Treaty explicitly states that "Nor will subsidiary branches export ODEN products to other signatory states where ODEN exports compete in any way with domestic ODEN products." If they were in ODEN, they could pass the law which says Herb only is legal, and ODEN Kalistan would be barred by Treaty from selling Lourenne purchasers anything that ODEN-Lourenne did not want, as that would be prohibited competition with their market. But they are not members of ODEN, so ODEN-Kalistan is not hamstrung in anyway from making whatever decisions they want about whether or not to sell to Lourenne importers and at what price, and the Government of Kalistan does not play a role in that decision. Ironic? Naw: just dumb.
SJ: So, what is the way forward?
AA: Well, as long as they are stopping Kalistani ships on the high seas, even ships which aren't going to Lourenne, we will also. So they will need to divert a significant sum of resources away from their precious war effort in Dovani, won't they? I suppose that is better for the people of Dovani, to make it more difficult for Lourenne to imperialize part of that continent. We'll do that for them.
They are locking their country down and restricting travel. That's on them. Kalistan doesn't: But we just don't have any direct flights to Lourenne anyway. That became a policy last year when they announced that they will not fly their planes to Kalistan. It's their choice, so I'm sure their air traffic controllers probably rolled their eyes when the fanatics in the Lourenne Government announced their policy.
Reduced trade with Lourenne means nothing really. It has been incredibly limited since the end of the Ananto Strait crisis, because they refused to treat with us and make a trade deal. I don't think either of our economies will take much of a hit there.
Their media will continue to run around with their hair on fire. That is what they do best, I suppose, so this doesn't affect that. Their reports that 92% of the country supports any actions of the government seems kind of sketchy: Even in one-Party rule in Kalistan, we were hard pressed to find 50% of the population who supported anything the Government did, with the exception of our conduct of foreign policy, which was pretty widely supported, at the time.
And The President of the Republic has announced that there will be no additional naval activity in the North Anantonese Ocean from the Kalistani Navy. We have our own business to attend to. Now that might change after the coming election, but for now, it is what it is.
Patrol crafts will turn back all Lourenne ships which approach our harbors, effectively acknowledging their blockade. But if they harass a single Kalistani Ship on the high seas, the Regular Navy has been authorized to fire on any pirates from Lourenne who are attempting to interdict our ship, its cargo, or any of its crew. So we will advise all Kalistani shipping to stay well away from Lourenne's waters for the time being, and trade instead at neutral ports, so that we can make it clear that if Lourenne does feel bold enough to stop our shipping on the high seas, we will be entirely justified in sinking their pirating vessels.
SJ: Well, thank you for your time, Comrade Premier, I am sure you are a very busy man.
AA: Not really. Lourenne is a new comer to power. Kalistan has exercised it for thousands of years. The Socialist Party has seen these sorts of things happen many many times before. We believe that Lourenne will eventually come to its senses, after they get tired of alienating, threatening and attacking their neighbors. And the SP will still be here. We always have time to deal with petty dictators and to talk to the Kalistani Press, which is the best in the entire world, I might add.
SJ: Thank you.
AA: No, thank you. Peace.