National Jokes

[jethro]

Don't know if this qualifies as a "national joke", but I'm rather fond of it. Reminder: the CIA is America's spooky secret police/spying organization (don't know why I even have to mention that), GIGN is France's, and the FSB is Russia's.

The FSB, the GIGN and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The FSB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

[Weswammy]

"Hey man, did you know there's a black man in my family tree?"

"No, you don't look it!"

"No, it's not like that. I just forgot to cut him down."

"Hahaha! Good one!"

You learn a lot of racist jokes in the southern US.

[GreekIdiot]

That's cold, man.

[Molotov]

I recall I found this hilarious when I was eleven:

An aeroplane full of Irishmen and one Welshman is going down. The pilot comes to the back and says: "Gentlemen, we have to lose some weight or we're going to crash. Please throw out all the luggage."

So they throw out all the luggage, but the plane continues to descend. After a short while, the pilot comes back and says, "We have to lose more weight! Could you throw out all the chairs?" And so they throw out all the chairs, but the plane continues to fall.

Finally the pilot returns. "It's no good, we're still going down." he says, "We have to lose more weight. Everyone hang on to the ceiling, and kick out the floor." Duly, everyone hangs on to the ceiling and kicks out the floor.

Everyone's hanging on to the ceiling with both arms for dear life, but it's still no good. The pilot returns, and shouts, "I'm sorry, we're still too heavy by about one man! Someone's going to have to let go!" The Welshman pipes up, "I'll do it! For my country!"

And all the Irishmen clap.

[GreekIdiot]

Heh, we have exactly the same joke here in Greece but with politicians.

[AngryMollusc]

Ach, I love that joke

Edit: although with us, he's an Englishman...

[Opakidabar]

In Latvia we have a lot of jokes on Estonians for being slow. (they are our Northern neighbors).
In this style:
Three Estonians sit on a bench. Dog passes by. After an hour first one says: "Beautiful creature", after another hour the second answers: "Yes, indeed". Another hour passes and the third one: "Would you both shut up?"

Or about their hatred on Russians. Not the best example but:
Russian walks true the forest and sees railway and Estonian guy going by railcar. He asks: "Hey, is it far to Tallin (Estonian capital)?". "Not far, come join me". So he joins Estonian in the railcar. An hour passes and Russian gets nervous. He asks: "Is it far to Tallin?" Estonian answers: "Now it is"

[Molotov]

Heh, we have exactly the same joke here in Greece but with politicians.

Yeah. You know the one you told about the fruit? I've heard that only it's an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman and they're explorers (the Irishman brings back a pineapple, the Scot laughs). I didn't know jokes were so international.

Russian walks true the forest and sees railway and Estonian guy going by railcar. He asks: "Hey, is it far to Tallin (Estonian capital)?". "Not far, come join me". So he joins Estonian in the railcar. An hour passes and Russian gets nervous. He asks: "Is it far to Tallin?" Estonian answers: "Now it is"

Hah, I like this one.

[GreekIdiot]

Heh, we have exactly the same joke here in Greece but with politicians.

Yeah. You know the one you told about the fruit? I've heard that only it's an Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman and they're explorers (the Irishman brings back a pineapple, the Scot laughs). I didn't know jokes were so international.

I'm also surprised about that fact. Common origin, you think?

There is a family called Mandalos. Their father owns a business that manufactures and sells nails. He is doing extremely well, so one day, he decides to visit an advertising agency. He requests an ad and the experts there certify him that all will go well. "Sit down with your family at 9 o'clock on Friday night and you'll see".

So Friday night came and the family sits down to watch the new commercial. The camera is flying between clouds, and suddenly loses height and a hostile, desert scenery appears below and between the barren hills lies a golden city. The camera dives from the sky and comes to meet a particular hill with three crosses. Several Romans stand aside and laugh. The camera now approaches the face of the man in the middle. Above his head lies a sign: "Mandalos Nails - We do the job!"

The father gets so upset he goes the next day to fix the problem. "The whole neighborhood will laugh at me. I am a religious man, sir. I demand my money back and the ad stopped!". So in great anxiety, the folks in the advertising company agree to shoot a second commercial, only for free, in order to repair the damage. So the father agrees.

So the next Friday night comes and the family sits down to watch the brand new commercial. The camera is flying between clouds, and suddenly loses height and a hostile, desert scenery appears below and between the barren hills lies a golden city. The camera dives from the sky and comes to meet a particular hill with three crosses. Only the crosses are lying on the ground and no men are on them - they are running down the hill, shouting with joy. The camera approaches the Romans standing aside and looking with despair at the crosses. "We should have used Mandalos nails"...

[Sam]

Some jokes from Hawaii:

The king says: "I am getting old. I cannot figure out who should be my heir. The first person that can swim across the moat will be the king."

Several people try to get across the moat, and all of them sink or get eaten by sharks. Finally, a Hawaiian gets across.

"You want to be the new king of Hawaii?" the old king says.

"No, I want get back at that haole that pushed me into that moat!"

A Filipino scientist was trying to become famous by training a cockroach. First he made a straight runway and drew a line on it. The cockroach easily ran to the finish line.

The Filipino decided to cut two legs off of the cockroach to see how smart it was. With some effort, the cockroach ran to the finish line.

Then the Filipino cut off two more legs, and the cockroach, with much effort, reached the finish line.

Then he cut off the last two legs on the cockroach. When he said "Run cockroach", the cockroach didn't move. The Filipino scientist recorded in his notebook: "After cutting off all of its legs, the cockroach became deaf."

There were two men in a bar, a Kanaka and a haole. The haole guy was starting to be a smartass, so the Kanaka said "Step outside, brah." BOOM! The Kanaka was on the ground! The haole said, "Karate from Japan."

They went back into the bar, and the haole guy was still being a smartass, so the Kanaka said "Eh, step outside." BOOM! BOOM! The Kanaka was on the ground, and the haole said "Kung Fu from China."

They went back into the bar and yet again the haole was being a smartass. The Kanaka said "Step outside." BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! The haole guy was on the ground, and the Kanaka said, "Crowbar from Sears."

I'll post some more jokes when I have enough time.

Note that "haole" means a white man and "Kanaka" means native Hawaiian.