Modern Russian Leadership. OMG offensive.

[AdJeCtIv3]

I originally wrote this for another website, but I was so happy with how it came out I figured I'd share with you guys. I did change a few minor things so that it reads better in this context, and to protect the innocent.

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We have this Russian bear who only seems to want to talk in the shoutbox, so I figured I might try to make him welcome. He probably needs a bit of encouragement, considering most Russians wont even get off their arses and do some work without a gun in the hand a nearby authority figure (either a political commissar or the Russian Mafia).

So please make him welcome. I have put some video here that should make him feel at home. The first one is of a great Russian comedian. He was a groovy, funky and above all rather jocular type of fellow who the Russians loved and nicknamed him "Uncle", due to his warm, giving nature.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IGbjPqFFvA

LOL @ Uncle Jo. He was always playing pranks on the dissidents.. like "I have a holiday ticket for you. SIBERIA.. ONE WAY LOL!!!" and pretending as a joke he didn't have syphilus when his enchanting ladies came to visit. Or saying that he had just closed the condom factory down and shot the leadership. He was a regular barrel of laughs. Or barrel of a gun, I always get those confused.

Now we move forward a bit, to when Communism was collapsing, or as the Russians say.. actually.. who gives a fuck what they said? Where was I? Oh yeah.. there was Gorbachev who defied the odds and succeeded at dismantling Lenin's communist joke. Lenin cursed him from the grave and gave him that indelible birthmark.

Suddenly the joke was over and nobody was in charge! Fortunately there was this Russian bear in the Moscow Circus that wasn't doing anything (and he was also costing the owners a fortune in Vodka).

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q5FIoocja4k

So the Russian Bear called Yeltsin (which in Russian means "I am a total alcoholic and corruptible leader") took over and Funky Chickened away the Cold War. And along the way made the whole world LOL. Thereafter the Central Committee was known as the "Three Ring Central Committee Traveling Carnival and Cocaine Distribution Bureau". Yeltsin died attempting to inject a 44 gallon drum of Vodka directly into his jugular. The sudden drop in alcohol level shocked his system *too* much.


So next we come to Putin, who didn't get the the communist joke should have been LOL'd at. He has a black belt in about four martial arts and is a former KGB officer, therefore he can be trusted implicitly. Few know that Putin is actually a robot with REAL ULTIMATE POWER and his purpose is to flip out and kill people like a ninja.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GPRZVEyVZTM

It is reported that he can kill a man with a sideways glance and has the power of Optimus Prime. Putin even LOL's at Bush. Nobody else ever LOL'd at Bush and got away with it.

It is rumoured that the current leader of Russia, Medevev is actually a Mini-Me of Putin.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0G6v9A4MGHA

So, welcome XXXXX. I hope you enjoy your stay here and that your permafrost doesn't slow your five year plan down too much.

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[Dynastia]

We should try to get a lolputin meme started. Just like the lolcats, but lolputin. Pictures of putin with intentionally badly spelled captions. Im in ur duma anexing all ur osetia.

[Sam]

[TPD]

It's not hard to find. Just google "putin gas". It triggered a series of photoshop work.

[JosephJ]

[AdJeCtIv3]

[jethro]

I know I SHOULD be offended, but I'm really, really not. Very funny from all round.

[GreekIdiot]

I know I SHOULD be offended, but I'm really, really not. Very funny from all round.

Come on, we all know you are not a neurotic Russian patriot without brains. You lean towards the West. You are civilized.