Message anonymously delivered by Gau Raksha Paltan:
Illustrious Members of the revered World Congress,
This is a message from the Gau Raksha Paltan, or Cow Protection Army.
We are a much misunderstood organisation and we wish to correct the misinformation being purveyed by the Military Junta of Keymon, which cannot even get our name right. We are the Cow Protection Army, not the Cow Liberation Army. The Cow Liberation Army are a breakaway group who a few years ago ran off with a quarter of our funds. They are our deadly enemies who we exterminate on sight. They are pimps, drug dealers and money launderers. But we are not like them. We are nice people.
We are not terrorists, we are protectors. Our purpose is to protect Holy Mother Cow, that is all. We don't want to kill or harm anyone. Killing and harming people is just something that happens when people don't do what we want.
We congratulate Keymon for halting the beef industry in their country. For as long as this continues, we will do them no harm. But let there be no mistake: any country which allows Holy Mother Cow to be slaughtered and eaten is considered our Enemy.
This includes you people, the World Congress. Please stop the world murdering and eating Holy Mother Cow. That is all we are asking of you. We do not want to take over any countries or change their politics or change anybody's religion or anything like that. We just want you to treat Holy Mother Cow with the dignity and reverence that is her due.